Saturday, 7 April 2012
As I was searching for a mellow song at Grooveshark, I found Mariah Carey's Hero. This song may be old but the melody won't just die out. It just connects to my heart at some point and for me this song always makes me cry and sang from the heart.
I don't know if I'm going to be a hero for someone, I just hope that I can make someone happy or I can save someone from any critical situations or simply encourage someone. I don't know if I have done those two that I had mentioned. Making someone happy is just difficult because you don't know what they like. Encouraging someone is easy to say but when they see me living in a pathetic world, I don't think they can get something from me.
I have helped other people from dangerous situations though. I felt proud every time I remembered those things; it makes me smile. There's only one thing that I still can't get over with; I can always feel this guilt ever since it happened. And for that, I will never be a hero.
I looked up on him as my hero, because he was always there to share good things with me. We may always had a cat-fight but moreover, we always had shared more fun and laughter. He always made the family laugh, he was our joker with him around you will never have a dull moment. And, he was our encyclopedia! boy, how he loved sharing ideas and information to us and how we stopped doing something and just listened to him. When he started to talk everybody just listens - I don't know how he grabs attention that easily, maybe because everything he said true or not was like real as if it really happened. Is that what you call the charismatic magnet or anything?
He never lost those personalities, even though I know he can't do it anymore and forever. I saw his body slowly deteriorated and it was awful looking at him like that. But his spirit was strong as a gallant horse, he was full of hopes and dreams, and we witnessed how strong he was because he was able to face and accept death at an early age. Even in his last days with us, he still brought joy. That's why he IS always my hero.
This guilt that i felt since he passed away is always haunting me. My mom, don't know anything about it, I just can't give her another pain. I felt guilty that I was so slow, to get his blood for transfusion, i felt guilty that my family haven't had enough money for a weekly dialysis. I felt guilty even more, when the doctor told me that he would have live if we were just able to give him a twice a week dialysis without any absent and all. For me, it was like telling us that it was our fault because we were so poor and that we haven't provide him anything for his medications. We were guilty on that part :(
He IS my hero, that's why I wanted to help those who are incapable of treating themselves in this ever expensive hospitals. I always prayed for that to happen. Because I don't want to hear anymore news about death caused by renal failure. These patients have a big spot in my heart now, and I wanted to help them. I don't know how but I know it will happen. I just hope that through this purpose I can be a hero for my brother.
The song Hero was my brother's favorite.